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Thursday, January 25th, 2007
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13:56pm 25/01/2007
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This is basically what happened at my school last weekend. This whole process is so frustrating and sad. And I hate seeing other people use this situation as an excuse to push personal politics or need for rebellion. At the same time, although I disagree with how many people are expressing their outrage, I know their hearts are in the right place. I identify with and aspire towards such collectivism, but maybe I've just lost my taste for group activism.
So sad and thinking all the while, I am beginning to awake from illness and find new coherence in my personal myth. The ciabatta I am making is on its second rise.
My sister wrote Chuck Palahniuk a letter recently, and he sent her a box full of trinkets and sweets and photographs. That dearness from a man who specializes in anti-heroes surprised me. How very sweet and wonderful.
I love the Magnetic Fields and sunlight through my windows onto the hardwood floor.
How strange, to feel dually deep sadness and quiet contentment.
current mood:  pensive
current music: "Piazza, New York Catcher", Belle and Sebastian
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2 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Sunday, January 21st, 2007
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22:58pm 21/01/2007
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I'm back at school for the new semester. And I have a means of photography now. I should put it to use.
I also want to do something with some of my poems.
And I found this list and its relations fascinating. Especially this article about the clitoris.
My moods have been so labile lately. I want energy and optimism.
This weekend has been so awful and strange. So much brutality on Friday night, a riot of hate crimes. I cannot understand other people, and the people I see are transformed by melancholia. Sometimes I always feel as though the world I know is ending.
I wish I could love everyone. May God bless you all, and may we all be protected.
current mood:  worried
current music: "Remember That I Love You", Kimya Dawson
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Deify Me.
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| Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
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23:46pm 20/12/2006
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It occasionally bothers me that I never attempt to post anymore except when I've been hitting the pipe exceptionally hard.
First semester is over. I'm home for a few weeks. It's been pretty nice. I haven't quite gotten into the swing of it.
Jennifer and I went out to Padgett Station this afternoon, which was wonderful. But I've eased into some intrapersonal strife this evening.
The problem is that I cannot reconcile my lifestyle and relative complacency with all of the suffering in this world. My awareness, my mindfulness, my empathy, none are excuses for my self-imposed powerlessness. Had I an adventurous constitution, if I forced myself into the necessary energy and extraversion, I would sacrifice my comforts and intellectual masturbation and go do some real good to others.
I'll forget again, I suppose. But sometimes I feel as though my heart is always breaking. What sensibility I possess serves only to rein in my overwhelming sentimentality.
Shall I continue to catalogue my more unpleasant emotions while I'm at it? I'll get over it. I don't feel actively upset so much as prone to the feeling.
I wish I had some positive ruminations to share. But I can't think of any right now, which seems ungrateful.
But good night, anyway. I need to justify myself.
current mood:  discontent
current music: "I Like Giants", Kimya Dawson
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Deify Me.
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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17:32pm 20/11/2006
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Most of my work is finished for now. I go home for Thanksgiving on Wednesday.
I'm trying to remain in a constant state of gratitude. It's amazing.
And I've been making No-Knead Bread this week. It's incredible. It's nearly nothing to make, and it's transcendently good.
On Saturday night, Nasi (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bananatastic) and I got pretty stoned and went to see Joanna Newsom. She was amazing. There are no words.
Now I'm feeling mostly tired and lazy. Wanting hummus. Loving the look of a November afternoon sky.
( Here are many of the things I am. )
Today I've been feeling this vibrating convulsion in my center of gravity. I think I'll go with that euphemism, yes. Very interesting.
That's all for now, I think.
current mood:  lethargic
current music: "Get Away From Me", Nellie McKay
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Deify Me.
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| Sunday, November 5th, 2006
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23:54pm 05/11/2006
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I'm terrible about updating.
I was home a couple of weeks ago on break. And it was nice. I slept a lot and ate a respectable amount of fried eggs and toast.
But this past week I've been sick, which hasn't been so nice. I've been drinking Earl Grey lavender tea with honey.
I need to have my hair cut. And I want to see Joanna Newsom later this month.
Nate and I went to see the Dresden Dolls the other week. The show was pretty good, but it was much too crowded. And full of kids deep in the throes of identity crises and infatuation with Hot Topic.
I'm looking forward to ovulation this month.
And I've been thinking a lot about attraction. Many girls are attracted to non-sexual/impersonal characteristics or activities in men, such as playing the guitar. Guitars do nothing for me romantically, and I've probably had my fill of poets. But I don't fancy myself somehow superior to girls who feel otherwise, because I know that some other hobby draws me in. So now I'm curious as to what it is. The apparently non-sexual characteristics I find attractive so far have sexual roots when explored.
It occurs to me as well how different fascination is from love, or even sexual desire. Although I have tended and still sometimes tend to connect it first to the latter.
I need more water. I am sunk deep in my emotions.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: "Inaniel", Devendra Banhart
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4 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
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13:32pm 10/10/2006
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I have developed a fanatic attachment to café lattés. They will consume all my funds, I fear.
Intoxication and recovery therefrom characterized this past weekend. Now, getting back into the swing of things.
ana posted a list of random thoughts, and I thought well to imitate.
I tend to fixate on one song or album at a time, listening to it over and over again.
I love cross-genre concept albums. A whole lot.
I prefer dark to light wood in furniture.
It bothers me to wear shoes inside someone's residence, and I feel uncomfortable when others wear shoes inside mine.
I love puns and wordplay, particularly clever innuendoes.
I enjoy personifying the different parts of my (or someone else's) body and contrasting evolutionary purpose with action.
On that note, I love learning about sociobiology and human sexuality.
I am in a period of absorption. Until it subsides and my inexperience lessens, I'll not try to write anything worthwhile. I need to observe and learn and experience.
Rose water and lavender are both amazing flavors.
Food is and should be a profoundly sensual experience.
I like to eat desserts with a spoon.
A year ago, I felt firmly entrenched in polyamory. Now, I feel most comfortable in monogamy.
I'm very finicky when it comes to food, which has been a problem since childhood. But the foods I like best, I love deeply, almost religiously. Like goat cheese. Oh my goodness.
I enjoy pataphor tremendously.
My culture's fetish for youth, physical beauty, and spontaneity scares me somewhat. At any time, one could endure serious injury or illness and thereupon lose one's aesthetic - and therefore social - value. And with age, one supposedly becomes less desirable (which I don't believe. Gray hair never ruined anyone). It's terrible and terrifying.
Peonies are my favorite flower. I also like poppies and hybrid roses.
I fear embarassment and subsequently can't stand seeing other people humiliate themselves, intentionally or unintentionally.
I think that pretentious academic jargon is a lot of fun to play with.
Elephants are amazing. I particularly admire that they mourn the dead.
I'm developing a taste for balsamic vinegar.
I have a fairly long attention span. I'm not easily bored.
Hips and shoulders amaze me, especially on men.
I love reading The New York Times. I particularly enjoy the sections on science and dining in.
My sense of smell is hypersensitive. Bad smells nauseate me extremely.
I love thunderstorms and nights of heavy rain.
My dislikes are generally straightforward in the context of my personality. I dislike anti-intellectualism. I dislike carelessness. I dislike loudness and obnoxiousness.
I also dislike sleeveless shirts on men. I find it tremendously unflattering.
I love wearing cotton jersey-knit clothing.
I hate it when people spit in public. It disgusts and bothers me to no end.
My natural reaction to strong emotions is to start crying. Usually when I'm angry or sad, yes, but also sometimes when I'm quite happy. And particularly if someone asks me whether I'm feeling all right.
I get bits of prose and poetry stuck in my head in the same way as a piece of music.
I hate popular misuses of psychology. Notably, equating mood swings (or simply being adolescent and hormonal) with a bipolar disorder and equating schizophrenia with dissociative identity disorder. And many, many other things.
I love sourdough bread and want some right now.
The ideas of soup and tea appeal to me very much.
That's all for now.
current mood: contemplative
current music: "Rain Dogs", Tom Waits
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7 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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16:01pm 07/10/2006
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So I've been downright negligent of this medium. But I've been busy and about a thousand other things.
And I've decided that I want to study with the Center for European Studies in Maastricht, the Netherlands, next summer/autumn. I read the brochure for the program and knew instantly it was the one for me. However much I'd intended to study in Germany. This is it. The classes offered are amazing. And I will be the shortest person ever over there, as I'm 5'3", and the current average height for Dutch women is 5'7". Ridiculous. And great.
Also, I've become reasonably good at making bread. And rose-cinnamon yogurt cakes. I just wish that the former weren't so time-consuming. And I made some rather good garlic soup the other day, and I still have leftovers, which is exciting.
Oh. And my parents visited a few weeks ago, and we saw "Little Miss Sunshine", which was absolutely fabulous. Good heavens.
I go home next week for break, and this week has been terribly stressful. I don't know that the one approaching will be much better. But I'm presently in good spirits. David turned 1 on Tuesday, and we had a party this afternoon. And I celebrated the birthdays of Mary-Nevin and Graham yesterday.
Today and yesterday have been wretchedly cold and dreary. My room is less tidy than it ought to be.
Away and faretheewell.
current mood:  content
current music: "Way Over Yonder In The Minor Key", Billy Bragg
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3 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Saturday, August 26th, 2006
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23:07pm 26/08/2006
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I've been at school now for a week. And it's going quite well. And I'm infatuated with my room. Especially because I spent all yesterday morning finishing with unpacking and organizing everything. Everything in its rightful place.
And what else? Sometimes I feel like I'm hopelessly in love with the whole world.
I used psychedelics for the first time in almost two years today. It was wonderful. The aftermath didn't leave me upset, as it has in the past, but rather very inactive and introverted. So I watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" and have been thinking a lot. Just now I was flipping to random pages in Anaïs Nin's fifth diary. She has an image of arriving dressed in black and leaving dressed in white that I wish I could locate.
Just ruminating, chewing around the same constancies and vacillations.
current mood: contemplative
current music: "Stephanie Says", the Velvet Underground
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4 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
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22:27pm 18/08/2006
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Tomorrow I go back to school. I'm almost finished packing.
The prospect of returning to school doesn't make me feel nervous, as I'm quite excited and have been all summer. So I don't feel anxious outright, but I've been experiencing weird aches and a faster heartrate. I had to leave yoga early last night, because I felt dizzy and uncoordinated. I've been avoiding caffeine, staying hydrated, and barely smoking, but I think that it's all just a convoluted expression of stress. Nothing serious.
Went out with Kim (sironae) on Wednesday. I had a wonderful raspberry-rose Italian soda and bought too many books. And it was good to see her. And I said my faretheewells the day before to Jesse and Blake.
I don't know what else to say. I'm fairly certain I'll have trouble sleeping tonight.
current mood:  busy
current music: "Girl, Let's Get Butt Naked And Fuck", Ice-T
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4 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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22:08pm 10/08/2006
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A few points of interest.
I'm at my grandmother's house in Pennsylvania now. And I alternate between feeling quite content and quite overwhelmed by the crowd of family. I met Rohan, my baby cousin once-removed, today, and he's gorgeous.
I'm also reading The Human Zoo, by Desmond Morris, which is interesting and a little depressing and a little inaccurate. So far, I still like The Naked Ape better. Speaking of which, apparently there's a film version of The Naked Ape. Strange. But sociobiology is amazing.
Also, Nina Hartley is my new hero. Furthermore, we're both Jewish, bisexual, sex-positive feminists of socialist sentiment. Also, we both wear dark-rimmed glasses. This was clearly meant to be.
I really love Leonard Cohen.
While my dreams have not been of much general interest lately, the same tricky - not painful so much as awkward - situation has been popping up. I wonder not so much what to make of it so much as whether I ought not to keep it to myself.
Okay, then? Is that all?
current mood: thoughtful
current music: "I'm Your Man", Leonard Cohen
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6 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Monday, August 7th, 2006
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21:56pm 07/08/2006
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Oh, but I'm being terrible about updating.
My time in Madison and Chicago those weeks ago had its merits. I saw some lovely art, ate some lovely food. And since I've been back, I've been working, accumulating things for school, and decimating my music collection.
I can't wait to go back to school. Twelve more days.
But tomorrow we take off for my family reunion.
I haven't been reading enough. Although when tidying up my room last week or so, I came across my older notebooks. Reading through them is incredible. My state of being just two years ago. But still I haven't been writing.
And of all that I've written in the past several months (which hasn't been much to write home about), these poems are the only two that don't embarrass me completely:
Against the sky and without leaves,
The oak tree: a nervous system
Whose body has left.
and
For you I lay out
My best desires, washed and dusted
From the cupboard.
You are not my first houseguest;
These dishes were never new.
I used to write so much more. I didn't know that I could become self-conscious enough not to want to write even for only myself. Because when I write, it's never only for myself, even if no one ever reads it.
What more should I say? I've been thinking a lot about monogamy and misogyny and whether I should write a book. My emotions are in an odd position (although they ought to be accustomed to the posture given prior exercises), and I'd like to keep them within reach. Perhaps they're being hyperactive. Perhaps I should knock it off with the verbosity already.
But what dominates my thoughts is that monogamy and polyamory both presuppose that one can separate the mind from the body.
Enough out of me. You shall hear of me and my grandiloquence yet.
current mood:  calm
current music: "The Teaches of Peaches", Peaches
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10 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Friday, July 7th, 2006
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23:05pm 07/07/2006
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In Madison presently. Traveling here was undesirable, but tolerable. I had Afghan food for dinner tonight. It didn't taste particularly amazing as I was eating it, but the digestive aftermath was mysteriously wonderful.
Looking out the window makes me feel a little melancholy. I've almost completely succeeded in ignoring just how much I want a cigarette.
I'm tired. I wish I had brought my collection of E.E. Cummings poetry with me. Apparently I haven't really revoked the comfort object status of many of my books.
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
current mood: pensive
current music: "I'm Sorry That Sometimes I'm Mean", Kimya Dawson
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8 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Thursday, July 6th, 2006
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22:58pm 06/07/2006
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Okay. I'm leaving for Chicago and Madison tomorrow morning, and I'm actually working with my anxiety this time.
In other words, I'm more than a bit stoned.
I don't know why the prospect of traveling gives me such problems.
"Push For Simpler Spelling Persists." Cue my misanthropic rage. Although Melville Dewey's (Melvil Dui?) presence in the affair does make things interesting.
And I'm terribly excited to be living with Pascale in Mary Hobbs next year.
And I want to go to a burlesque show. And I've been thinking some things through.
But none of this should come as a surprise.
Why does being high qualify as a mood? I need to get back into reading Anaïs Nin.
current mood:  high
current music: "Chelsea Girl", Nico
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5 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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01:17am 21/06/2006
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My parents came home tonight. It feels nice not to be alone in the house anymore.
I made lavender cinnamon space cookies yesterday. Ate two after dinner, and they kicked in after an hour, leaving me quite under the influence for a good several hours. Tasty and effective. I'm munching on one right now. Or two.
The day before, Blake and I went to Cherry Pie and rented a compilation (from quite a collection given the antiquity; it must have comprised ten or fifteen discs) of very early twentieth-century pornographic film shorts. What struck me most in watching it was how realistic the sex looked. Modern pornography tends to be a caricature of sex, while this depicted kissing, fumbling with clothing, mutual foreplay, and even erectile dysfunction. The actors, although not necessarily attractive, looked like real people. If only they showed any emotion or interest during the act. I found it amusing that the first film was entitled, "The Radio Repairman," proving that appliance failure is a time-tested premise for casual sex. Also, because the films were silent, the soundtrack was fabulous. The sort of music one might expect in a saloon or a cabaret. Now, of course, I want to rent more from Cherry Pie's collection. Perhaps I should join their rental club.
Okay. I no longer entrust myself with communication. Good night. If you, any of you, are reading this, or even if you aren't, I probably love and miss you. Just so you know. Two months until I go back to school.
current mood: high
current music: "Springtime Can Kill You", Jolie Holland
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3 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Sunday, June 18th, 2006
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12:49pm 18/06/2006
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I realize that all of this week's frustrations stem from a thwarted need for self-sufficiency. I have never kept house alone, as my parents have never gone out of town together while I was at home. Making this, therefore, a test of my capabilities in the area. Alone in the house, I'm suddenly struggling to cook and keep everything in order, which had never been much trouble for me before. Compounded with a lot of mess surrounding work, which has been terribly frustrating. So there, right there, are tests of maturity and competence, which I hadn't anticipated, and which I haven't passed. Problematic because in a year I'm supposed to go to Europe for four to five months by myself, which I find both exciting and unspeakably terrifying. Because I've never traveled alone, and all of the inability and frustration I feel now can only anticipate what I will require to function on my own on another continent. It seems that these days I'm judging myself relative to my competence in any given situation. I wonder if it's a condition of age and circumstance.
Talking myself through this is making me feel better. I was in an unpleasant state of mind last night after work. Today, I'm going to take a shower, go to Weaver Street Market, and then visit my sister at TIP.
Oh, and who wants to buy me something bearing this logo? "Bad grammar makes me [sic]." Perfect.
Now to get on with my day.
current mood:  okay
current music: Nothing.
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17 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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00:29am 17/06/2006
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Presently feeling strange and uncomfortable. I'm frustrated with my new boss and her lack of clear communication. I'm frustrated with my apparent inability to cook anything to my satisfaction this week. I shouldn't have stayed home today. Being all alone in the house with only my cat and my newly bad cooking makes me feel as though something were the matter with me.
I should stop eating crostini. Just finished reading Running With Scissors, by Augusten Burroughs, which was really good and disturbing, and I read it all in one shot, which feels funny.
Ugh. I need to get over myself. A few cleansing breaths just helped. I get so bogged down in my mindsets, and I need to pry myself out of it. It does me no good to wallow.
After work yesterday, I went out with Jennifer. We ended up at Aladdin's, which serves some rather nice hummus by day. By night, apparently, it transforms into a quite noisy sort of nightclub. So, in the name of research and life experience, we rented a hookah and smoked mint-flavored shisha while snarkily observing girls less modestly clad than ourselves make their attempts at dancing. I ran into a few people with whom I went to high school. Their enthusiasm in seeing me was bizarre. Anyway, the noise was just terrible, and we were both being pestered by the advances of some men sitting near us, but it was fun. Kind of like being at a middle-school dance, except that we could smoke. I don't know what other people see in going out to nightclubs. I prefer being able to engage in conversation without having to shout.
I'll try to get up earlier tomorrow so that I can begin to get everything in order before I go to work.
Have just smoked a bit. Feeling more stabilized now. Good. Enough of my self-indulgence.
current mood: high
current music: "Picaresque", the Decemberists
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5 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
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02:45am 14/06/2006
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I dropped my parents off at the airport yesterday, and my sister skittered off to TIP the day before that. So now my parents are in Iceland, and I have the house to myself (cat aside) for a week or so. It's a bit strange. I decided last night that I never want to live alone.
I've been working more at Caffé Driade, and that's been fine so far. And I intend to do a great deal of housework tomorrow. Have decided to leave Thai cooking to those more experienced, as my attempts at a nice bean thread dish today failed unpleasantly.
I spent this evening with Blake and Jesse. Currently feeling a bit too awake for my comfort. Had a disconcerting dream the other night. Last week, bird feathers mysteriously littered the base of my driveway. It felt like an omen, but then again, many things do nowadays.
I'm coming off as melancholy, perhaps. But really, I've felt content and busy during the day. I like working and bustling about and seeing people. My mantra lately has been, "stop fighting." I'm trying not to struggle against the everyday frustrations I cannot change. And somehow, it's working.
As always, I know I should write more. But any poems I write leave me feeling embarrassed.
Ought to get to sleep already. I hope that yoga isn't cancelled again tomorrow.
current mood:  awake
current music: "Left and Leaving", the Weakerthans
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7 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Sunday, June 11th, 2006
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02:14am 11/06/2006
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I am exhausted. Having begun training at Caffé Driade today, I realize once again that I know nothing. It will become easier, I believe. But for now, I feel like my ego has evaporated.
Finished reading Under the Tuscan Sun the other day. Just incredible. I understand the rapture of evalina in reading it several months ago.
I also finished watching "Shopgirl" recently, which was a beautiful film.
I have many other things to recount. But I just want to collapse and ignore all of the needs pressing at me.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Blissful quiet.
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7 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Sunday, June 4th, 2006
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00:15am 04/06/2006
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I'm an eensy bit tipsy. Haven't got the heart to drink much more all by my lonesome.
I interviewed for a position at Caffé Driade a few days ago and hope terribly that I can secure it.
Watched "Sense and Sensibility" the other day. Didn't care much for it. I thought that Emma Thompson, despite her tremendous acting talents and so forth, exhibited a fair amount of hubris in tampering so with the original material.
Have been watching old Terry Gilliam cartoons on public television. And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Almost as much as I didn't want to go to work today.
I've been thinking a great deal lately on important matters, and now I can't seem to recollect any salient points. I do hope to remember my conclusions.
Perhaps I'm tipsier than I thought. Good night. I love a great many people, and you are more likely than not included in that sum.
current mood: lazy
current music: "My Cute Fiend Sweet Princess", Kimya Dawson
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8 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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| Sunday, May 28th, 2006
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00:39am 28/05/2006
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In good spirits. My mother and I had a late dinner at Foster's tonight and then went to see "Water". The film was terribly good and terribly sad.
For the past several nights (and previously), I've been hearing noises near my window of something arhythmically colliding with the outside wall. Only briefly and only around midnight or a little bit later. I don't know what's causing the noise, and I'm nowhere near brave enough to find out. I hope that it's nothing important.
Mm. Tomorrow I'm going to an estate sale, Chatham Marketplace (the new cooperative market in Pittsboro), and perhaps out for Indian food.
I ran into Jessica at VisArt today and found out that my German teacher from senior year had a baby girl last autumn or winter by way of her very much ex-fiancé (they broke up well over a year ago). I can't get over my surprise. I suppose that I never imagined her as a mother.
That's all for now, I think.
current mood: content
current music: "Douce Ambiance", Django Reinhardt
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4 Fanbase Cults. -
Deify Me.
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